Saturday was spent attempting to refute the tragedy in last weeks Fair Isle Times put about by Joe that I had less hair than him. I managed to pin him down just long enough to calculate the surface area of his head. By my reckoning even allowing for the ever increasing bald patch of the back I still have more hair than him. In the afternoon Lewis came round and they both spent a lot of lime on the Rally Car international computer game going MEEEEEEEEWOO00OW, usually followed by the sound of car splintering against rock. In the evening we both. enjoyed a fine time at Lower Sloneybrake.

Sunday started off with a visit to the Chapel and then lunch at Taft for Horrys first birthday This gave me a chance to inspect Emmas cupboards ahead of the "Fair Isle Kitchen Cupboard Competition" which is a qualifying round of the national competition. Emma appears to be of the opinion that kitchens and their cupboards can be tidy. It's clear to me that this is not the case. At least not if you live with Karen who is the undisputed champion of disorder. I prefer the strategy of jamming as much in to the cupboard as possible so that when you open the door everything in the cupboard is clearly displayed on the floor at your feet. Perhaps we should have different leagues in this competition. Emmas cupboards can be Premier league material whilst mine can prop up the Vauxhall Conference. Anyhow the lunch of Taft was excellent and Harry looks like he's had a fine first year.

I woke up on Monday with the distinct feeling that I had slept in. I hadn't, it was 5 a.m. and the wind was whistling through the keyhole in the front door. The porch door was flapping around and there were 5 cats sheltering in the porch all looking at me shivering and knowing that I was about to throw them out. They weren't disappointed.

At about 8 am. the phone call comes through from Jean the relief Nurse who appears to believe that I have arranged this terrible weather to prevent her from leaving the Isle. I assure her that this is certainly not the case and that the other Dave is responsible for all aspects of weather on the island. Stewart came round and we painted the Surgery and Joe's bedroom. The north wall of the surgery was ice cold and black with mould. After school Joe come trudging around the Houll He arrived in a complete fury having received the news of his redecorated bedroom. After about a half hour of mayhem I coaxed him out of it using only a chocolate biscuit

On Tuesday the hallway got it's new look with a coat of hospital grade magnolia. Joe did most of the socialising Over to Kenaby after school and then seemingly teleported to Shirva to help Annie celebrate her birthday He returned to quiz me about my age and refused to believe Annie was older than me. Clearly thats another "I've got more hair than you story".

Wednesday starts with a phone call from Karen who is apparently posting home dirty washing (?) Why is everyone spoiling for a fight with Iraq and how do you prove that they havent got gas, nuclear arms and the rest without digging up every inch of the country. I keep thinking that all this chest beating is an excuse to deflect opinion away from the home front. I manage to put together a couple of picture frames and start to dig the garden. We have a fine tea at Stackhoull with a much better version of Superman than anything I've seen on TV or at the Cinema.

Thursday and the garden digging gels a bit more serious. The amount of soil stuck to my boots is approaching the ridiculous as I nip out between the rain. At 3 pm Go Kart Club gets going. We're at the painting stage and you could be excused for thinking that this means clothes, hands, arms and so on but it's actually the karts we're painting. Next week with a willing welder we'll be putting wheels and brakes on them. A trip to darts is replaced by watching "Louis Therouxs Weird weekend" up in the Arkansas hills with some paranoid Americans. There's Shirley who looks like a sweet little Grandma who con hold her own with some fearsome weaponry. There's also a man called Bo Gritz who runs some sort of bizarre commune and then there's the Aryan Nation - a bunch of neo fascist psychopaths who are proud of it. It really makes you wonder what's going on.

Friday is a fine day. Joe is reluctant to get to school and runs through a medical dictionary full of ailments. First the foot then the stomach. Finally the stranded beetle on his back with his legs in the air squealing. I think he's on his way when he turns back at the generator shed and starts the whole performance again. The real problem is that he thinks that it should be a public holiday because Karen is coming back. Luckily Robert saves the day with some wheeled transport up to the school. The plane arrives on time and it's a joy to see Karen and Oscar again. They are pleased to be back too. Oscar arrives home and realises that all his toys have not been abducted by aliens, they are still there, so is the house and so am I. His reunion with Joe is very touching. There's a lot of laughing and clowning around, so much in fact that it slips my mind that there's a Hall Committee Meeting. I have to leave just as tired but unwilling children are being dragged to bed.

Dave (North Shirva)

 Contribution for Fair Isle Times JK/31.1.98

A fortnight ago I was invited to join the audience in a BBC Radio 4 'Any Questions' programme which happened to take place in a local school. It was an interesting experience - - - even though they did not allow me to ask a question. What comes over in such a simple and straightforward way on the radio is in fact very carefully planned and organized - - - even to the extent of practising the applause! As it happened the panel was an able and well balanced one and all the members dealt with the questions very openly and honestly. It must be quite an ordeal for them as they do not know the questions in advance.

At long last there has been a change in the weather and for the last week wind and rain have given way to sunshine by day and frosts at night, I have spent one whole day at Leighton Moss where the sea meets the Lake District and the surrounding hills provide a delightful background on a fine day. The birds put on a very good show for me. I had hardly adjusted my binoculars before a bittern was to be seen stalking through the reeds. Hopefully there is more than one. Last year there were, apparently, six ‘booming' males and this year one was already booming on 2nd January.

To end the day, just before I left, the local starlings put on an aerial display for me before settling into the reeds for the night. The estimated number of birds in the starling flock is 10,000, Some flock! Some display! .

Jack